Fearless

After my accident, a great friend (and best man in my wedding) Ash recommended "Fearless", a movie with Jeff Bridges and how his personality changes after he survives a plane crash.  His character feels invulnerable, able to survive anything.

That was me for a few weeks.  After, reality settled in.  I was not making the progress during my recovery  I wanted.  I had become fearful of what the future held.  Would my doctor decide six months later I did need the surgery?  Would it be another year after of recovery?

What if I had cut my main away?  What if I would have done something?  For three years, I replayed the accident in my head.  Even though I had a world champion CRW Dog tell me "You survived, you did everything right", I still felt there was something different I could have done.

A year after my accident, there was a 100 Canopy Formation attempt.  A long time CRW jumper found himself in a similar condition as me.  He hit hard and was in the hospital for a few days, but he wasn't as lucky.  He passed away four days after the accident. 

I still have issues watching scenes with falling.  Even video games get me.  I no longer take big risks.  I'm hesitant climbing, riding, and in general in life.  I don't let fear control me, but I'm far from being "fearless".

This fear has kept me from telling my story, trying to get the special interest Kona slot.  What if another group tells me "Sorry, we need video of you hitting the ground", and denies any requests I have.  The media is quick to move on to the next story and I'm fearful of not necessarily being forgotten, but told "your story isn't interesting, we have nothing to gain from it".